Posted on 2007.10.05 at 22:35
i'm inspired to write again. sometimes i feel like the feelings and words floating in my mind are too much and i can't comprise a simple journal entry. i don't even know what i last wrote... or even how to update. i'm too lazy to go back and read where i left off. motherhood has been a continual joy as well as a lot of work. azrael unfortunately has colic. he cries A LOT. don't get me wrong, i enjoy every minute with him. i think i'm actually handling it pretty well, but it is often hard. it's difficult to see your child struggle continually and there is nothing you can do about it. i wish i could could make him smile and make him happy, but its not that easy. he went to the doctor a week from today. he now weighs 12lbs 13 oz. he's a big boy for a 7 week old... gosh, i can't even believe he's that old already. being pregnant seems like a distant memory already, yet i felt as if i was pregnant forever. having a child is very fulfilling, but being a stay at home mom with a husband that works a lot is very lonely. i was watching that show "bringing home baby" the other day and this mother on there was describing how lonely it feels to be a mom... being the one who is up all hours of the night feeding the baby and doing it all on your own. yes, the husband helps, but its just different. i totally understood what she meant. in a way i feel like i've always been lonely... basically for as long as i can recall. i always felt like everyone else was out having fun with a group of friends and i was at home waiting to have my time. then i got pregnant and i couldn't really do anything. now i'm a mom, so its the same. its not really even that i'm dissatisfied with my life... its just weird. i should really use this to sharpen my relationship with God.
last week i finally talked wesley into letting me go out with catie and some of our other friends that i haven't really built solid relationships with. you wouldn't believe how thrilled i was. i got my hair done and put together a cute outfit. it was probably the first time in a long time that i actually felt good about myself since being pregnant. when i was pregnant i felt so fat and ugly. it was awful. i probably sound shallow, but i was thin my whole life and it was hard. when i started losing the baby weight wesley showed a lot more interest in me, so maybe it was sort of bad. he never said anything, but it seemed obvious that i was different when pregnant. anyhow, i went downtown and i was trying to have the best time possible. wesley and i have been having problems with his time around here... he was going out a lot and i felt drained. we fought all day before i went out, so i was trying to really enjoy my time. see wesley wanted to go out on this particular night, so just to go was like pulling teeth. at the beginning of the night i was excited. everyone loved my hair, which wesley didn't like. i got to meet up with maggie, who i missed so much. i did, however, drink way too much way too fast. i got pretty wasted within only a few hours and felt really sad about things with wesley. i felt like our marriage was failing. i called him and he hung up on me because the baby was crying and crying and giving him a hard time. i felt really bad about this, but in way he was dealing with what i go through on a regular basis. all i wanted was one night of freedom... a break, but my guilt and my feelings wouldn't let me do so. i don't even know why i felt bad! i deserved a night out! he goes out sometimes 3 nights a week and i couldn't get just one night!!! maggie had to drive me home, because my car was all the way up at catie's house and there was no way in hell i could drive it all the way home. thankfully, i got home safe. i went straight to bed, trying not to be sick. soon enough the baby was up crying to be fed. wesley didn't move an inch... we had made a deal that he would take care of him all through the night. i knew he thought that because what he went through a few hours earlier, he thought that was enough. i then took care of the baby all night long. i was still tipsy all the way through it... i really can't even believe i did it, because i had 3 beers, a shot of jager, a shot of rumplemann's (which put me over the top), a cherry bomb, a long island iced tea, a 44 north cranberry, and, yeah, i think that's it. well, i was mad, but someone needed to take care of my boy. at eight in the morning i told wesley i needed him to take over, because i needed sleep. he said it was time to go to church! i was still drunk for God's sake... no pun intended. i couldn't miss azrael's first time at church, so i went.
so yeah, that was that. i guess i'm still mad. i told wesley that it was pretty fucked up, and he apologized. he said i can go out next weekend and he'll take the baby all night. we'll see if that happens. i often feel like he can do whatever he wants with no consequences and i, on the other hand, have to have permission and go through hell just to get a bit of freedom that i can't even enjoy. i'd have to say its half my fault though, because i care too much. wesley knows how to make me feel bad so that i cave, i know that. did i mention that he was mad at me for leaving the car at catie's because it was inconvient? pfft. i'd rather have to get a ride to my car than get a dui! crazy. i think i need to make a change. wesley knows how i feel. i need to start being more of my own person without being an annoying dominating wife. i need to take opportunities that are enjoyable and enjoy them regardless of the crap in my life. i know wesley needs a break sometimes, but hell, my job runs around and around the clock.
and here i am, alone tonight. wesley tried to get someone to watch the baby so i could go out with him, but he couldn't. his mom is sick. his grandma is probably wasted, and my mom is in bed. we don't have a lot of trustworthy outside help. on a nice note, i get to go out tomorrow. my mom is going to watch azrael so wesley and i can go to the bucks scrimmage and his friend's wedding.
Posted on 2007.09.13 at 19:14
well, unfortunately Azrael has been on this crazy pattern of eating every hour, so let's just say i've been busy. he's a great baby, but he loves to eat. my mom thinks i'm overfeeding him, which is a whole other story, but i'm not, he's a growing boy and he's on a messed up pattern of eating. i wish there was something i could do to at least change it to every 2 hours, but i can only wait it out. sometimes at night he'll sleep for 2 1/2 if i'm lucky, which is great. in a way, it sucks, because i feel like a single mom. wesley is gone so much. its great when he takes the baby for a few hours at night. today he even woke up an hour early to take him for me. even so, i still am lucky if i get 5 hours of sleep and that is broken up sleep. i just wish wesley was around more. its especially hard when he goes out at night. i think he wants to go out tonight. i don't know what to do. frankily, i can't understand how he can even go with a needy baby and wife at home, but what can i do? i have made it clear that i don't like that he does it... i suppose he needs a break, too. i just don't know when mine comes... it probably doesn't. being a mom is a 24/7 job. i get that. its not even that i'm complaining, because Azrael is so precious to me. i wouldn't give up my life as it is right now for a thing. i just wish i had a little more help. my prayer is that wesley gets this city job. it would be so nice to have him gone for only 8 hours a day!
other than that, i've been really thinking about dying my hair back to the color on my default picture. i really like that color on me. i do, however, know that is really hard to go back to blond after i do it, so i'm debating. i've been wanting to get my hair done for months now, but we can't afford it. i figured if i dye it myself, then the haircut will only be $20 with tip. we can swing that. i want it layed like i used to have it, but i want to keep the length. i didn't realize how cute my hair used to be. i feel so frumpy now.
Posted on 2007.09.07 at 19:29
Current Mood: 
excited
so i am very glad the weekend is here. wesley is around and i get to leave the house! yay! tonight we are going to a bonfire at norma's. apparently she's on a drinking binge again... i wonder if this will sort of be like intervention. hell, every time we get together with her as family its like intervention, and she's one of those sad people that never snap out of their craziness. even if they do, they jump right back in. she was sober last week, and sadly, this week she's back to using up one of her zillions of lives, because that's really how it is. tom will be there tonight. i bet there's going to be some drama.
my cute baby is doing good. we had a hard day yesterday... mostly because i didn't get much sleep the night before. i missed out on the late night nap i take when wesley gets home, because i had to go to the emergency room. i rammed my foot into the coffee table and broke my toe! ouch... now i'm stumbling around with this ugly shoe they gave me. today he's sleeping a lot more and i've noticed he's staying up more, too, which is nice, because then i get to see his cute little eyes.
i got a hold of pj harvey's new cd, and i'm excited, because its good. i don't find good music often, and i really like her, so i'm glad she's consistent, unlike a lot of the music. it's a pretty dark, slow album, but its very moody, which is what i love best of all. i wouldn't say its as good as "uh huh her," but it may grow on me more. i have only listened to it really quickly.
Posted on 2007.09.04 at 19:24
boy, i have a lot to say. well, of course i do. it's been a week since i last wrote. now i have to find the time to say what i want to say...
although i feel like i have a lot to say, not much has really happened in the past week, aside from the weekend occurrences. the baby is doing really well, and being ever so cute, of course. he's still really good... only cries when a cold wet wipe hits the butt, he's hungry and he's been waiting more than he wants to, and when he's cold in the bathtub. other than that, he sleeps most of the time and when he's awake he's a little peaceful joy to have around. i've been predominately feeding him formula, but wesley and i decided he i should probably give breastfeeding another try. i was almost drying up, so now i'm the process of stimulating the milk production again with the pump. i feel like i'm starting all over again... and i guess i kind of am. i did feel really guilty not breastfeeding, but it really is hard to do. he cries and can't latch on or he'll feed for an hour and still not get enough to eat... very frustrating, even more so when your husband works all day and night and you have to do a lot of the work. don't get me wrong, wesley is as helpful as he can be when he's around. it's just that he's not around very much. this may change soon, because we heard back about a city job he has been trying to get. he has an on the job assessment this saturday, so i'm definitely praying he gets it. it will mean a much better money situation for us and that he can work a normal job and be around.
speaking of not being around, this leads me to the only really big thing that happened over the past week... on saturday night tom took us all out to eat at coerper's... only the best steak house in milwaukee. i was excited to go show off the baby, eat some damn fine steak, and be with my family that i enjoy so very much. the time there was pretty nice. i was thinking about going out with wesley to the bar afterwards, but his mom, who was supposed to babysit, had been drinking and that really made me think twice. i didn't realize how unready i was to give up Azrael just yet. after we all ate, wesley went out with john, his uncle. i decided i'd go to norma's instead for a fire in the yard with mary and kathy. this way i could bring the baby, and still do something fun. before leaving, i fed the baby a few times and had some nice conversations. tom was trying to get me to leave, because for some reason he felt like he had to stay if i was there... i told him he could go, seeing that it takes forever to pack up everything for the baby as well as burp him after he eats... he was in the middle of eating at this point. i got everything together and went up to the bar where mary and kathy were. i told kathy i could drive her to norma's, because wesley and john had her car. she said okay, but her and mary, as well as tom and his girlfriend just kept chatting at the bar for another 20 minutes. i then realized i just wanted to get my baby home so i could lay him in his bed... it was getting pretty late. i told kathy i was going to leave and that she should ride with mary. i decided i'd just go home, because i knew if i went to norma's i'd be waiting there for hours for them to come... if they'd even show up. i knew there probably wouldn't be a fire. on my way home i listened to seal and thanked God for how wonderful my life was at that moment. i felt so peaceful.
when i got home i put the baby to bed and worked on some housework i needed to get done. i kept trying to get a hold of wesley, but he wasn't answering. i just wanted to let him know where i was. i figured he was at the bar and it was too loud for him to hear the phone, but i was wishing he'd at least check it now that we have a baby in our life. finally around 2:20, after waiting and waiting (i got home at 11pm)... i finally heard from him. he said that he was on his way home and that he didn't need a ride. i then went to the bathroom and on my way back the living room i noticed a humongous centipede on the wall in the hallway. i freaked out... i tried to call wesley but he had the phone turned off. i have this thing with bugs... well, you know... i can't kill them. then the cable box broke, so i sat in the quiet freaked out for about an hour waiting and waiting for wesley to come home. at about 3:30 he called to tell me he was at the airport... i was thinking what the heck... either he's pulling my leg or he's at the lounge because he can drink there longer than bar close or something, but no... that wasn't it. he then tells me that he's going to las vegas. i was thinking he's really screwing with me now... it's wesley this is what he does, but no... he was serious. i pretty much freaked out. first of all, we have a 2 week old baby and i don't really ever sleep, so i look forward to having his help on the weekends. plus, how could he just leave us and not even ask or consult or anything?! i was so hurt i was crying. i felt like he was just leaving me and didn't even care... and to go to vegas! i was so mad and sad at the same time. he tried to reason with me on the phone for about a half and hour... telling me to just let him go... it was God's will... blah blah. he said he wasn't drunk and that he needed to do this. i tried to understand, but it seemed so wrong to me. i told him i thought he should come home, but i just trusted God and told God how i was feeling. I decided to let him do whatever he needed to. he was going to go with john. i got a hold of kathy and she was so mad... she was already having issues with him and this prompted her to get the ball rolling on divorcing him. i was like holy crap... this is really messed up. awhile later wesley actually came home. he said it wasn't meant to be and we proceeded to fight for the next hour. he said this is how he is... spontaneous and if i don't like it i should see myself out the door. i was so hurt. i can't even tell you. he was being the biggest jerk. i was crying really hard and he felt bad eventually, so he hugged me. we then tried to talk, but he was so wasted and he just passed out in the middle of it. what i did end up seeing is that the reason he tries to do this "carefree" things is because he's under so much pressure with the two jobs, the bills, me, and the baby. i think he feels the need to have this break, but you can't just do that when things get hard. you have to talk and pray. this clearly showed me why we needed the spiritual aspect more strongly in our marriage. i basically put the baby in our room at this point and tried to get some sleep myself while he remained on the couch. i didn't know what to think...
the next morning, when he was finally up he told me he called kathy and apologized to her. he said he wouldn't be hanging out with john anymore. he apologized to me and made it known that he pretty much screwed up the whole weekend. he said he was really drunk and he was being a big jerk, that he didn't mean anything he said. he felt really bad for making me cry so much. i was really impressed at how well he owned up to everything. he's really honest with himself and willing to own up to his mistakes. i was glad it was all over. it was just crazy, because i was having so much peace with the Lord, yet the darkness was still there trying to pull me under. it didn't, thankfully. i just see this as an opportunity to be closer to God with wesley. i also see that he is a really good man. he says he doesn't want to drink anymore... i don't know if he means altogether or just a lot. we'll see... i wonder if he'll go out this week. i try to let him do what he wants... but i really can't understand how he can go out. i'm with the baby 24/7... you think i'd need a break and i can't stand to leave him. he's sees the baby for a mere few hours a day and scott and the bar are still a part of his life. i don't get it, but maybe it has to do with needing a break from his responsibilities. i try to be cool about stuff like this, but i think there are some responsibilities that you don't get a break from. maybe i'm wrong. i just don't see the need to get wasted anymore. my son is most important to me. he needs me and i want to be there for him all the time and whenever i can... especially because he's a newborn. this times are precious and i will never have him so small and cuddly again, so i better enjoy it now before i become the dorky mom who he makes fun of with daddy, haha.
Posted on 2007.08.28 at 15:42
Current Mood: 
complacent
i'm just sitting here in peace. i have a super cute little baby who's sleeping. he looks so precious. he also looks like his dad, which i find sooooo cute. i always wanted him to look like wesley. i wonder what he will look like as he gets older... cute of course. i feel so content... like life has meaning when you have a family. i can't wait for christmas. i can't wait for every progression azrael makes. i love being a mom and wife. who knew that a life that is seemingly so simple could fulfill me so much. here i was questioning it all... i couldn't imagine being anything but this. if i wasn't married to wesley, i'd want to be and i'd want to work it out. if i was in school i'd be skipping or dropping out and not knowing what the hell to do with myself. no i know what to do.
wesley was sweet enough to watch azrael after he got home from work last night. that allowed me to take a 4 hour nap! it was really nice. it helped me get through the night a lot easier. the only thing that sucked was that i really missed that time we had together at night... even if i'm watching tv and he's online, we still exchange words here and there, lol. i find myself so attracted to the idea of having a family with wesley... it makes me really attracted to him and that sucks, because obviously i can't do anything about that. it's going to be a long 6 weeks... haha. it'll be the longest we've waited since we've been together practically... isn't that insane? no wonder we had so many problems, but you know what? so what. i'm here now and i'm in love with my husband and my baby. i have a cute little family, a wonderful place to live (aside from the beetles), and i am fortunate enough to know the Lord. God has been so good to me. He has redeemed my life in so many ways. I had felt so confused, but azrael coming into the world has made everything so clear. i want the best of everything for him. i want to be the best mom in the world, lol. seriously though, i want him to know the Lord like wesley and i do. that is the most important thing to me. i want to start reading the bible to him when he's up. i also want to lead by example, which is going to take a lot of change for me. wesley and i don't usually go to church, so we'll have to start. i do want him to be baptized. i also keep my relationship with God very private. i need to get back into the habit of praying out loud with wesley and even with azrael. all of these things will piece together to help him to familiarize himself with the Lord as he gets older.
alright, that's enough for now. mary and cameron are coming over. i need to eat... adios.
Posted on 2007.08.27 at 11:59
Current Mood: content
Here he is. Azrael Maxtaphelli Klimers has arrived. Well, actually he came August 17th, but I haven't had much time to write about it, obviously. Last time I wrote I was really tired and being tested for preeclampsia. On Thursday, before my appointment, I slept all day. I couldn't help it. I didn't even know I could sleep that much being so pregnant, but little did I know God was preparing me. I went to the doctor, pretty sure I didn't have preeclampsia. I wasn't really concerned. I got into the office and had high blood pressure again. I was surprised. Then the doctor came in and said that when they tested my pee there was protein in it. She then proceeded to say it was time to have the baby. I was shocked. I knew I was going to have him, but now?! It was a crazy feeling. She told me to go home and get my hospital bags and then check into labor and delivery. I left the hospital and picked up Wesley from work right away, since he works so close to the hospital. He said when I told him he felt like he was going to puke, haha. Then we drove slowly home to get all of our stuff. We even brought Super Nintendo and tons of movies. I knew being induced could be a process, so I came prepared. We called everyone we knew to tell them. I felt nervous, but ready in a way, because the previous night I could barely stand to be pregnant anymore. I couldn't even sit anymore. I just wanted to feel comfortable again.
Before going to the hospital we stopped at the Cousin's across the street. It seemed like in a way we were prolonging it as much as possible, but we were also excited and in shock. I got to the hospital around 6pm, I believe. By the time I got my IV and was given Petocin, it had to be hours later. I laid there all night, with nothing happening at all. I watched movies, texted whoever I could think of, and called everyone to pass the time. I wasn't getting any contractions and Wesley was sleeping the whole time. Needless to say, I was bored out of my mind, and who can sleep when nurses check on you every 15 minutes and they take you blood pressure constantly. Finally morning came and my favorite doctor, who was supposed to be leaving walked into the room. I was like, yes, she's the one on call today! Anyhow, she sat on my bed and told me that my preeclampsia was turning into HELLP syndrome, which is very dangerous. She said we needed to have the baby immediately. In a way I was excited, thinking I could get a C-Section and get him out easily without the pain. She wanted me to have him vaginally, however, and broke my water right away. From then on I had a few contractions, nothing bad. They then brought in this crazy foreign anasetiaologist (i have no idea how to spell that.) who was there to give me an epidural. Thankfully, he was there just in time, because there were all this emergency deliveries going on and they ordered my epidural just in the nick of time, or I would not have gotten it. It was very uncomfortable to get. I had to sit on the edge of the bed while I had my back hunched as much as I could and my chin against my chest. It took about 15 minutes, so I was very uncomfortable. It hurt to get it, and I had these crazy spinal spasms. Once he was done, I was in heaven though. I felt so relaxed and tingly. About an hour and a half later the nurses came to check me and I went from 2cm to 10cm just like that. It was nuts. It was time for him to come.
When you get an epidural they don't overly numb you, because then you can't feel the pressure to push. Well my pressure was starting, and I could feel the contractions. The nurses gave me the option to wait for Azrael to move further down the birth canal, so when I did start to push it wouldn't take so long. They say it takes first time moms about 2 hours of pushing to get a baby out. That seemed like forever to me. I was pretty scared, but not overly freaked out of anything. I waited through about 10 contractions, and it was painful. I decided pushing might be more effective at that point, so I started. You have to take two deep breaths, push for 10 seconds, breath, push for 10 more, breath again, and then 10 more... all in one contraction. Then after you finally get to relax and recover, another contraction is coming. You have to push in your butt, like a poop. It hurts like crazy. You feel like you butt hole is going to come off. I know this is sick, but that is how it is. Wesley held one leg, and one of the nurses held the other, while the other nurse was watching. They were very encouraging just like on tv. They kept telling me how great I was doing, and how he was coming fast. I guess I didn't really believe them. I thought they were just building me up with positive reinforcement, so I could continue on with hope. Little did I know he was coming fast. Soon enough they called the doctor in. I didn't think it was going to be so fast. Once his head was crowning it was extremely painful. The stretching of everything burns like hell. The head and shoulders made me scream quite a bit. I couldn't help it, but I didn't scream for long, because they pulled him out pretty fast. That was the greatest relief I have yet to feel in life. He was here. I couldn't believe it. They took him off to the side to clean him up and test him while Wesley watched him like a hawk the entire time. They had to finish with me, which was probably just as painful as the birth itself. The afterbirth didn't hurt, but cleaning out my uterus did. Then they put him in my arms and it was surreal. He was so cute. He looks just like Wesley. He has dark hair, Wesley's eyes and ears, and a hairy little body... even his little butt.
I stayed in the hospital until Sunday afternoon. A lot of people we know came to visit, which was nice. I spent a lot of time trying to breast feed, which was a bit frustrating. Now its working better, but I don't seem to be making enough, so I'm supplementing with GoodStart. I've been home with him for a week now, and I love it. He is so precious. I never knew how much I could love and care for him. I feel this warm feeling in my heart. I feel so great that I have my own family. I feel so much more love for Wesley, more than I even knew I could as well. Having a family is beautiful. Life becomes exciting. I feel like I have a purpose and I am no longer bored or confused. I now know I am supposed to be a mom.
The main point of the whole story, in my eyes, is how blessed by the Lord I am. He has truly had mercy on Wesley and I. He has blessed us with a beautiful, healthy son. He has given us a place to live that is great and even a new job opportunity for Wesley, which is an answer to our prayers. Another thing is that the delivery went so well. It could have been way worse, I know. Even though it hurt, I am thankful. HELLP Syndrome has a 25% mortality rate as well, so I am blessed in that aspect, too. I am just so happy.
Posted on 2007.08.15 at 13:43
Current Mood: 
confused
i slept in until almost 1pm today. it was nice. i don't even know why i slept so long. i'm never sleep deprived, but it sure seemed like it was what my body needed. it probably has something to do with the end drawing near, lol. that sounds so gloomy.
at 7am this morning the scariest thing i could imagine happened. we have tons of these nasty beetles infesting the outside of our apartment. occasionally they get inside and i proceed to freak out and have wesley kill them. if he's not around, i usually hide from them. anyway, i felt this movement on my face and there was one on my face while i was sleeping this morning!!!! eww. eww. eww. i quickly threw it on the floor and woke wesley up to kill it. that is so sick. i can't even imagine anything much worse. no, it wasn't on a leg or an arm, but my freakin face! geez. i'm glad it happened while i was sleeping, because i was pretty much out of it and i couldn't see it well, because i didn't have my glasses on obviously. so yeah, yuck. it disturbs me.
then around 1pm the doorbell rang. i was surprised and i grabbed a robe and went to get the door. no one was there. later i found out it was my mom who rang the door bell and then drove off right away. impatient, geez. she wanted to take me out for lunch. i wish she would have waited a second. it wasn't meant to be, but i've been dying to get out. i did get to go to the doctor yesterday, but i never made it to the store like i wanted to, because i was there so long.
i'm still collecting my pee, which is annoying. mary offered to take me to drop it off today, which is nice. i'll at least get out then. i pretty much stopped bleeding, but i will be back at it again tomorrow once they check me. i hope i have the baby soon. at this point its just becoming an anxiety and i'm just impending this moment and waiting and waiting. it's building up and it makes me afraid. i just want to go into the doctor tomorrow not feeling so well, they'll tell me i'm 3 cm, and then they check me in, because they can tell labor is coming. haha yeah right, but still. now who's the impatient one???
Posted on 2007.08.14 at 19:28
Current Mood: 
anxious
ahh... it feels like it's been forever. our internet was screwed up and we just got it back today. i've been dying to update, as if this is the friend i can talk to like no one else.
saturday my mom had a barbecue at her house. some of wesley's family came. it was alright, except for the fact that she wouldn't stop hassling us when we wanted to leave... even though we were there for 3 hours. she likes to put guilt trips on me and it pisses me off. it's like the fact that we showed up at all doesn't even matter, because we weren't the last people there. whatever. afterwards i went to the bar with wesley's family members. it was a lot of fun, even though i usually hate being at bars while pregnant. i talked to becky, heather, and kathy the whole time, which was really nice. i love talking to them. saturday was painful, however, because i had braxton hicks contractions all day, almost constantly. they started to get more painful later in the day, but they were too irregular to be anything real. i did feel like i knew he'd be coming soon though, and i still feel that way.
every other day since then has been pretty mundane, until today that is. today i went to the doctor as normal on tuesdays. i wasn't feeling so well when i got there... kinda shakey and weak. i could feel my heart beating really fast. it could be the fact that i realized on my elevator ride up to the appointment that i'd be on this elevator soon enough ready to have my crotch stretched out like crazy to have a baby pass through it. just the thought of that even now makes me feel a bit weak. for some reason it's like i know he's coming, but i can't quite grasp it fully. anyhow, once they checked my blood pressure they found it was very high. they waited and rechecked it a few times after that, and it was still high. my pulse was also very high. i felt like i couldn't breathe well. it was scary. the doctor came in and did my check as usual. she was concerned it was preenclampsia. she checked me and i am almost 2cm dilated, which is apparently very well progressed for being 37 weeks exactly. i did bleed and still am though, which i guess will happen now that my mucus plug is out or on its way out. i have to wear pads again, which is a bit crazy, because i feel like i have my period and i couldn't even remember what that's really like. i've been having a little mild cramping today and i have a lot of pelvic pressure. the doctor said the baby's head is very low. anyhow, they were concerned about me, so they sent me to labor and delivery for about an hour and half where they monitored my blood pressure, pulse, and the baby's heart beat. they also did a lot of blood work on me. the blood work came back great, but now i have to pee in a jug for the next 24hrs. if there's protein in my pee i still may have preemclampsia, which means i would have to either be induced or get an emergency c-section right away. basically, azrael may be here sooner than he's supposed. also, at the way i'm progressing, i think he will be anyhow. i was freaked out though. they were nice to me... they brought me apple juice and water and were very helpful, but it was scary to be there alone. i was like praying to God that no matter what was up, that Azrael would be okay. that is my constant prayer.
i'll keep updating for sure. i can guarantee that i will have news soon enough, especially because i have to go back to the doctor on thursday.
Posted on 2007.08.09 at 16:37
Current Mood: complacent
i haven't really had it in me to write lately. i've been sort of down. things seem like they're coming together, however... at least i think so. i went to the doctor on tuesday and they checked to see if i was dilated. it hurt so bad for them to check me. i was really upset for the rest of that night, because i thought to myself, how am i going to have a baby if i can't deal with just being checked for dilation?! i posted my feelings on this site i use the forums at... it's for moms and moms-to-be in milwaukee. well, i got a lot of really great responses from the women on there and that was encouraging. a lot of them even said that being checked is worse than all the labor, because they're not very gentle with it and the labor is a whole different feeling, even with an epidural. i guess it will be different for everyone, like they say, but just getting over 10 responses of their stories and encouragement was really helpful. i feel better about it now. i guess i can't really believe that azrael can come at any time now. i still have a lot to do. whenever i'm shopping i look at dates of things and think... holy crap i will have a baby and this food will still be good! i know, i'm weird, but it's weird! i feel the pressure to get things done around the house that i won't be able to do a lot when he comes. i cleaned out the closet and cleaned the bathroom. i can't seem to ever keep up with the kitchen. i am so so so sick of doing dishes, yet i don't want to use the dishwasher all the time and jack up our electric bill. i already probably overuse the air conditioning. i need to mop the floors next and vacuum. i also need to get my hospital bag more ready. i'm not quite sure what clothes to pack for when i stay there and come home. i also want to finish the blanket i've been crocheting for azrael.
earlier this week i had an over-the-phone appointment to appeal this $1500 fee i was charged for being in school for a few weeks and having to leave because of a tragedy in my family. i will explain this if i'm in the mood sometime in the future, but not now, because it's a long explanation. anyhow, the guy kind of hassled me about it, but i just told him to read the letter i wrote, which was very heartfelt and honest. he just called our cell phone, but i can't get a hold of him. i wonder what he decided. i hope he will knock off this bill. that would be great for us, especially with the baby just around the corner. '
well, i better get back to cleaning or i'll never do it! alright. i'lll be back as usual with all sorts of news, because there's never a dull moment in life... even if you stay at home all day!
Posted on 2007.08.06 at 13:07
Current Mood: 
hot
so yesterday was the family barbecue. i tell you, the whole way there i sat in the car dreading it. i didn't want to get in fights with everyone, and i didn't want to show that my attitude towards going there was anything but good. it is only a 5 minute drive, but it seemed really long. once we got there pretty much everyone that we're close with was there, including wesley's grandma's sister from michigan. surprisingly, it was the best time i had in a really really long time. great conversation. great people. it was very nice. wesley's grandma was drunk the whole time and instead of rolling my eyes or being angry with her, i just felt really bad for her. she is such a sad women. i can't live with her, but now that i've separated myself from her, i can handle her again. i just see what her life has been like and see the way she handles her issues and it's very depressing. i hope that God can break her out of this cycle before it kills her. she's already had more lives that the average person. she was very kind to me, albeit drunk. she even apologized to me for the way things were when i lived there with her. she has not been known to be one to apologize, so this really meant something to me. hopefully she'll remember. there's a lot of sadness in the issues we all personally face, but there's a beauty in the time we spend together. i never could imagine having such a great family. i care a lot about my side of the family, but never do we have any conversations with depth or meaning. it's always about coupons or recipes or car problems. i'm actually pretty sick of it. my mom is picking me up really soon, because i have an appointment to go on WIC. i'm not looking forward to it. i'm sick of not knowing who her and my dad are. i don't care if their pasts consist of drugs and partying, which i actually had to find out from extended family members. my cousin on wesley's side asked me why i don't ask them more questions. i wish i didn't even have to. all i know is that i want azrael to know who wesley and i are, so he can understand where he came from and why he is the way he is. mary and norma have told me their life stories and i have only known them for merely 6 years. i don't even know how my parents fell in love or what they did for 10 years before they had me. it's crazy. my fear is that someday they'll be gone and i'll have no history.
the party went on until midnight. it was a nice night, humid, but really nice. it reminded me of the many meaningful days we've had in norma's backyard. that yard is symbolic for our faith in some way. it's where we've always shared our issues and joys. i'm glad that it can be that to me again after all the hell i endured there last time i lived there. after the party, tom was a bit too tipsy to drive to kenosha, so wesley drove him and i followed in our car so i could take him back home with me. that was another sad part of the night. he just seemed so alone when we left him at the hotel. apparently he's having a lot of trouble with his girlfriend, who i actually liked, but feel bad about liking now. she punched him in the face, which is insane. i just wish he could find a decent woman. i feel the same way with mary... that she could find a decent man. another crazy thing that happened was earlier in the night this random girl comes up the steps in the front of the yard and asks us if we'd give her a beer for some valium or cigarettes. she looked so lost and creepy. desperate, too. obviously we told her no, and then she stood halfway down the block staring at us. she was like one of this girls from intervention. i felt really bad for her. everyone has their addictions. everyone has their pains and tragedies. i see it all and it hurts my heart.
to be continued....
Posted on 2007.08.05 at 00:34
Current Mood: 
hungry
ahh! i want pizza shuttle so bad right now. fresh, warm, yummy cheese slices. i don't care how greasy or fatty or how late it is. i want it. too bad the husband is out playing poker and turned off the phone. he was supposed to call for me to pick him up 40 minutes ago. oh well, hopefully he'll call soon. they're open till 4am, and i have to go!
what else is new... today is a rainy day and i love it. it's actually pouring right now and it really hasn't done that around here in a long time. the weather is a lot cooler, too. wesley and i got lots of batman graphic novels today and then we went to eat at cousin's. his mom woke up us at 6 and then 7 calling this morning. once we finally fell back asleep it was 2pm when we woke up! tomorrow is a family barbecue with the uncle i previously spoke about... yikes, i'm not looking forward to it. maybe it will rain all day. if i could choose what tomorrow would be it would be i would make it rainy. we'd wake up and go to church. then we'd get the paper and some donuts. then we'd go for coffee at a cafe and talk about azrael for a bit. then we'd come home and do absolutely nothing for the rest of the night, but we'd laugh a lot and talk a lot. sometimes i get sick of having family get togethers every week, especially on sundays. sundays are do nothing days. i already did enough today. i just cleaned out the refrigerator. it is really hot in here and i felt like i was going to pass out. i'm soo hungry, too. i'm saving my appetite for pizza shuttle, of course. ahhh... wesley where are you?!?!
i haven't done any more writing on my book just yet. i think i'll work on it on the weekdays when i'm bored out of my mind... although tonight is not much different. i am so used to being bored that i don't even realize how bored i am. i tried to call a friend of mine tonight. she didn't get back to me. another friend called out of the blue. i didn't have the heart to answer... i knew confrontation would be involved. then i realized i wanted confrontation so i called her back twice and she didn't answer. somehow, along my 21 years of life i have come in contact with some of the shittiest friends i could ever imagine. it really sucks. i feel a little anxious, because azrael could come at any time. i want to do a lot right now before i'm stuck at home with him... too bad no one gives a crap. wesley is great though... i know he tries to balance everything, but he always makes time to make me feel special, even if just for a second. a lot of times i get mad because i want more time with him or at least more meaningful time... i'm trying to just appreciate the time we do have and the little things.
i can't believe that it is exactly a month away... my due date that is. i am really scared of how much it will hurt. i'm scared of being in the hospital. i'm scared i'll freak out. i'm also excited. i'm excited to have a purpose and to have a cute baby. i hope he looks like a baby wesley. i wonder what it will feel like to just be me again... not the two of us. will i smoke again? what will a glass of wine taste like? it will be okay to sleep on my stomach and have a drink. weird. when you're pregnant you get so used to it. it's like you'll always be this way. will i lose the weight? will i dress different? who will i be... this holly with child? it is the oddest thing. a part of me feels like i won't be my own person anymore... i don't really know how to explain it. i feel like i won't be able to do things i enjoy or feel the ways i once felt. that's not true though. i know it's not. sure, my priorities will be different, but i can still write and shop for cute clothes in between it all. i bet nothing will matter, but azrael anyway.
i wonder what he will look like. i hope he has dark hair and wesley's eyes. well, he should just look like wesley all together. i don't think i make a good boy. i hope he's smart like wesley. i hope he's creative, too. i hope he's laid back like both of us. i hope he's happy, too... not one of those worried or constantly whiny kids. what i hope most of all though is that no matter what he is that i am able to deal with it and be the best mom i can. i say "deal with it" referring to if he is a challenge. what child isn't however... or so i hear? it seems like i would better know how to raise a girl, because i am a girl and i know what i needed and wanted. it will all fall into place, because i have wesley. wesley is great with kids and babies. he's going to be the best dad, even though he never had one. i watch those shows about babies on tv... like "bring home baby." the dads on those shows are retarded. they're afraid to hold the baby and refuse to change diapers. i'm soooo thankful wesley isn't like that. i know he will be right there wanting to do everything with me.
i don't know what more to write, but i'm trying like crazy to kill time here. hopefully he'll call soon. i am obsessed with limeade. yum. 50% limeade, %50 water = best and most refreshing driink... besides water. i wonder what kind of liquor i could use to spruce it up when i am allowed to have liquor again. i want to get my hair done. i haven't had it cut in like 10 months and dyed in about 5. i want cute layers and highlights. i also sort of want to go dark again, but it always sucks to lighten up afterwards.
okay, i can't think of anything else...
Posted on 2007.08.03 at 19:30
Current Mood: 
enthralled
so i hid in my bedroom all day today. it was nice. it kind of reminded me of when i was younger and lived at home. i used to stay in my bed and read the bible all day or just rest. then i loved it, because my life was so busy. usually on days like these now, i go insane, but i didn't. i loved it still. i took a nap. i even wrote. i had a bible study. i ate some snacks. (i also sorta hid out in there, because there was a huge fly in the living and dining rooms, and i have this thing about killing bugs that are big enough to see the details... it's a big problem.) anyway, something happened to me last night. wesley and i went to be around 2:30am and i couldn't sleep. that's not really new seeing that i'm almost 36 weeks pregnant and it can get hot in here at night. i laid there and i was suddenly flooded with all these ideas. since i was very young i loved to write stories. they were stupid ideas when i was like 10, but i would fall into this world that would capture me entirely. i always wanted to be a writer. in fifth grade my teacher called me "harriet the spy," because i was always carrying around my composition notebook and documenting the world around me. then in high school i got really into poetry and creative writing. once i got to college, i did enjoy one creative writing class, but it seemed like all the inspiration i possessed was gone. life and problems got in the way. i watched wesley write children of dust, while being envious... missing my creativity and inspiration. i've spent a lot of time alone since leaving school and work. i wished and even prayed like hell for my inspiration to come. i figured i could create a career on my own by writing at home... even if it didn't amount to anything. well, last night i knew what to write about. i saw everything clearly. the words and images were all there. the colors... the characters... the city... everything. it all was shaped by my experiences and different things i've seen. i played it all out in my head like a daydream. i prayed to God i wouldn't forget it in the morning... and i didn't. i wrote two chapters today. i'm excited. it's like i have a purpose, and i'm really overtaken with all this. i can't believe it. my only problem is i have issues sharing my work. i'm extremely insecure with my writing, especially when it's something that is really important to me. i feel afraid that the story i've come up with is overdone, or cliche. i'm afraid my metaphors or similes are overused. basically, i'm afraid it sucks. i hate that about myself. i often wish i could just put myself out there in every way. i sort of don't care this time, because i like the idea so much and i have this extremely clear vision of the mood i want to portray.
the story is a love story in the city. i starts with a rocky beginning, yet the main character is surprised to find a relationship out of a big mistake that she's made... a relationship that even seems to be able to go somewhere. it is highly characterized by milwaukee and its beauty. it is very descriptive, from moment to moment and thought to thought. the characters are real with big struggles. the main character also ends up finding faith in God as a result of this relationship and the growth it brings to her. she finds independence and purpose in her life. it also shows the amazing joy that two people can bring to each other's lives and the happiness that getting to know each other's worlds can brings, especially when they fit together like two puzzle pieces.
i just love it. i drew a lot from my relationship with wesley. i made us older and less attached. i made us already established in careers. i made myself more confident. i shouldn't even say "us." it's very loosely based on us, but what i want to convey is the feelings i felt when i met wesley... the way the city was this canvas for our adventures and experiences... the way the sex early in our relationship was damaging, but could be something that you can get beyond if you have the will, albeit challenging. i also really wanted to show how God uses incredible circumstances to bring people together and mold their lives into what he wants them to be... even into who he wants them to be... his followers.
Posted on 2007.08.01 at 20:08
Current Mood: 
angry
oh the joys of family relationships, or lack there of, i should say. there's never a dull moment around here with both sides of our families.
in february wesley and i were living in our own one bedroom apartment. unfortunately our ceiling caved in (even though i saw it coming and mentioned it to the landlord numerous times!) and we had to move in with wesley's grandma, because she was the only one who had space for us. i was reluctant, but everything was moving so fast and we really didn't have much of a choice. we moved in with big intentions. wesley's grandma has a big alcohol problem. her house is filthy and she is not active in the slightest. wesley and i decided that if we were going to live there we would fix it up. we went out and bought a ton of paint and supplies. we had ideas for every room. we figured we were going to have to make it work. although every part of me wanted for us to have our own place, i sort of just went with the flow. we had a talk with wesley's grandma and she was ready to jump on the project. she said she wanted to stay sober, get active, and even help us paint.
it wasn't long before my life became hell. seriously. never have i ever experienced such a painful existence as when i lived there for the 4 months i did. wesley grandma went into a drunken stuper. half the time i couldn't even tell if she was alive. it was very evil and frightening. she was unable to control herself in the bathroom and i had to clean it up. we had a deal to switch off with dishes and she never held up her end of the bargain. then she would blame me when she'd let everything pile up for weeks and tell me it was my turn. she had liquor delivered to her every week. she would swear and yell at me. i had already left my job, so i was in real distress. i lived like that on a mattress on the floor of a room upstairs for 4 months! i never had anything set up. we had mice problems and bug problems. there wasn't ever anything to eat. the place was filthy and i could not keep it up myself. i sat on that mattress all day. i probably cried almost every day i lived there. in the meantime the only goal i had was to get the hell out of there and it wasn't a quick thing. i spent half the time i lived there frantically searching for a place to live. nothing was happening. wesley's mom would take me every day to look at places after she left work. i did what i could to get out of there, but for the most part i felt like i was in my own personal hell. i was terrified to go downstairs just to go to the bathroom. would there be shit all over the place? would i find her dead on the floor? would she yell at me? i was there every day with her feeling this. i don't even feel like i can properly portray what i went through. only God knows. finally God blessed us with the apartment we are now living in. the only thing was, we had to wait a month to move in. that was by far the longest month of my life, but just knowing that I was going to be able to get out of there helped a lot. it still felt like this dark evil world that i was paralyzed in. right before we left wesley's grandma was on her worst binge that i had yet to see. there were nights i had to stay at mary's house, because she would be sick all over the bathroom. she let the dishes pile up for weeks and then screamed at me to do them. there was rotting food in them and the kitchen smelled terribly. i didn't know what to do. i decided to do it for the Lord and turn the other check, so i cleaned that kitchen and the bathroom to the best of my ability. i told myself this would be the last time i ever did it, and it was, because we only had a week or two left there. anyhow, I turned the other cheek only to be slapped on it when she thanked me for finally doing my job.
our move out day was heaven. i got the keys a day before we could actually move and i sat on the floor of this place with the biggest smile on my face. i was ready to be here. i was ready to have a calm existence for my baby. i was ready to have a clean place to live. i will never take this place for granted. every day i think about what i went through, and i thank God for the gift of this amazing apartment. after moving out it was very hard for me to deal with how i felt toward wesley's grandma. she never made an effort to apologize or own up to what she did. in fact, she's still blaming me and wesley for her drinking issues. she is a huge alcoholic that lies, manipulates, and hurts others to get what she wants and also to get pity. it works for the extended family and those who don't know what its like to live with her or be around her on a regular basis. she has an evil agenda constantly. wesley's family is relatively close. we usually get together weekly for barbecues. i used to spend many summers in wesley's grandma's backyard. she was never so bad those times. i used to really get along with her. now that it was summertime the barbecues were coming back up and i didn't want to go. i didn't ever even want to go back into that house, understandably. only problem was, wesley didn't experience the pain i did to the same extent. plus it was his family and he was able to deal better, so when he would bring me over there i found it very hard. i could barely look her in the eyes and say anything to her. i was very disgusted by her.
meanwhile, the extended family was talking. wesley and i were at fault for her issues. wesley's uncle was especially angry. everyone thought that we didn't ever do anything for her and that she had done so much for us. the truth was, for years i cleaned, cooked, and helped her out in many ways. i redid her bedroom which she only garbaged up immediately. i also redid a room upstairs. i had every intention to do more. she wore me thin. she made it so that i couldn't help her anymore. i just didn't have it in me. i needed to get away. wesley's uncle was mad that we started redoing her house and didn't finish. he was made that we didn't mow her lawn or give her lots of money. it took awhile, but he began to see our side of the story. he also drinks and has a tendency to not remember things.
eventually we all got to a tolerable point. wesley's uncle seemed to understand why we felt we needed space from her. i tried to tell him of my experience there. he apologized to me, but doesn't remember this. i tried not to care what anyone else thought about my experience there. i slowly began to warm up to wesley's grandma again. i figured i'd forgive her, but it was hard, because i wished we could talk things over. she is impossible to do this with. she is right in her mind and she is stubborn. i knew bringing it up would only cause a fight, so i was kind to her instead. over the weekend, when we went up north, this all began again. i found out the wesley's family members were mad about what we did to his grandma still, and that they were still talking about us. i was talking to wesley's cousin about it, because she lived there as well and went through a hard time. we both spoke about how much easier it is for wesley's grandma to find a scapegoat than fess up to her problems. wesley's uncle overheard us talking and became extremely angry. i tried to talk to him about it, but he had been drinking and probably doesn't remember, because he called up wesley very angry yesterday. he says we put norma in debt. he says we need to help her. wesley is very mad. i feel betrayed as well. i don't want to have to tell him the details of my hell there ever time he comes into town. i don't even like to type it here. i'm tired of reliving it. i just want to move on. what i'm most angry about is the pity that norma gets. she never has to take responsibility for her choices. i know the Lord sees it all, but it still is hard when a family turns against you and it is not your fault. i always feel defensive and i feel the need to explain, but i can't do that anymore. i can't concern myself with her. i've tried to help her many times. i was there at the hospital when she fell over from being drunk. i sat by the car trying to get her to go in and check herself in for rehab. she swore at me the whole time and never talked about it again after, except that she had a big hospital bill for it. wesley's uncle fled town with this happened. i cleaned up her crap, for God sakes. i've done what i could. wesley and i have it hard. we barely make it, but we do. i'd take being dirt poor and struggling over being with her for just one minute. we have a baby coming in a month or even less. wesley works all day. its not like we sit on our asses and purposely write her off. we don't have the time for one and for two we can't. you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, and frankily, that is who norma is... the woman who wants to live in her shit and doesn't want to change.
now we have to try and patch this up again, but for how long? i can't even care anymore. i have to focus on getting ready for Azrael and staying healthy. if that means we can't spend time with the family anymore, so be it. i'll just have to stick with who understands. sometimes i feel like its too tight-knit anyhow. i don't know... it's all a bunch of craziness. i just thank God i don't live there anymore. i hope he makes her see what she does at some point. she is still young for a grandma. i hope she can change. i have yet to see though.
Posted on 2007.08.01 at 00:05
Current Mood: 
lonely
the doctor went well today. everything is good... my blood pressure, Azrael's heart rate, and even my swallon ankles. now i have to go to the doctor every week. i've been lucky enough to avoid all the male doctors thus far, but i have to start seeing them now. it's the hospital's policy that you see every doctor in their group, seeing that any one of them may deliver your child. if i would have known that i would have changed hospitals. oh well. i'm pretty sure once i'm in labor i won't give a shit who's there, male or female, but for now, i still feel shy about it. especially so, because now i have to start being regularly checked down there for dilation and such. (tmi, i know... who reads this but me anyway?)
i'm starting to get a bit lonely again. i go through these phases during the week in which i am okay towards the beginning because of the social interaction i experience on the weekend. then by the middle of the week i'm going nuts... wanting to talk to someone and wanting to get the heck out of the house. by the time i can't take it anymore friday comes, and hopefully i get to do something with wesley. it's hard though, because he really likes to go to the bar. that's where he is right now. it doesn't make much of a difference, because even if he were here he'd go straight to the computer and maybe say two words to me before he went to bed hours later. i understand he needs to unwind and that he needs to do things with other people than me. that's fine, but i feel like he hasn't made much time to nurture our relationship lately. maybe he doesn't need that, but i sure do. i was really looking forward to this past weekend with him, and although it went great, i waited up as long as i could last friday night when we had our own hotel while he was out drinking. i was hoping we could have one last romantic night, because it's always more exciting at a hotel. well he went to the bar and by the time he came home i was already passed out. it was really disappointing to me. he said he wasn't even having fun at the bar, but he still stayed out late. the next morning i waited for him to acknowledge me. i even left the door unlocked in the bathroom while i showered. he was completely uninterested. maybe it's because i'm so pregnant. i don't know. he's the best friend i've got. the only other people who make an effort to actually see me are my mom and sometimes my mother-in-law.
i wonder what things will be like when Azrael is here. i know i will be totally consumed by him, and i don't mind a bit. i've been looking for something important to do for a long time. i just wonder how i will feel about even less time with wesley. i wonder if he'll ever even try to do anything special then. i hope he can somehow see that i need some alone time. even now. i've tried to talk to him about it before, but it just comes off as needy, which turns him off even more. i feel like i wish i could just talk to him for a long time, but he's always really distracted or tired. i also feel like whatever i have to say is sort of meaningless, because i don't work or get out much. like he wants to hear about the grocery store or how i cleaned the closet out. i don't know... it's hard. sometimes i find it easier to just not say anything at all. it's still very rare that he opens up to me. i wish i knew more people i could vent to. it's not even that i want to say anything bad about him to anyone. it's just i want to get my feelings out to someone. my mom is definitely not someone i can talk to. all she ever talks about is cleaning supplies and recipes. seriously. ishe's the most empty emotional conversationalist ever. she also has a tendency to constantly criticize and nit-pick me, which she doesn't even realize. mary is great to talk to. she has the Lord and many life experiences. only thing is, she's wesley's mom. talking to her about everything makes her way too involved and probably is hard for her in order to stay neutral or whatever it is a mother-in-law is supposed to be. so yeah, that's about it in the social aspect of my life.
i'm hoping to meet some moms after i have azrael. i've been praying the Lord will create some new relationships in my life. i would love to meet someone who is married and either pregnant or has children. i don't want to limit myself or anything, but having someone to relate to and talk to would be great. i suppose in the meantime i need to just work on strengthening my relationship with God. he's always there for me to talk and pray to. i wish i'd really take advantage of that more often. i get so caught up in humanness. he has everything i need to feel content. i also want to educate myself in different bible stories so i have a basis for explanation when teaching azrael in the future.
well, that's enough for today. i always start these with barely anything to say, but they always end up super long. i guess i need to vent even more than i realize! i know i'll be back tomorrow.
Posted on 2007.07.31 at 11:48
Current Mood: 
tired
This is where I wish I were right now... on a tropical beach, because Milwaukee's weather is very hot right now. It makes me feel like I need an ocean in front of me... although there's no way in hell you'd get me in a swimming suit while pregnant. Oh well, I can imagine.
Today I am 35 weeks pregnant. I have to go to the doctor in about an hour. I always get nervous to go. I just hate hospitals and clinics. I always wish Wesley could come to my appointments with me, but I can't always have him there to hold my hand. At least he'll be there when I deliver to do so. They're going to check my iron again today, because a few weeks back it was very low. I hope its better now. I don't want to have to take any iron supplements. I HATE taking pills and medicine. I will only take my prenatal vitamins. However, I do want an epidural when I deliver. I have no idea what my tolerance for pain is. I've never been in the hospital for anything. I've never had any serious health problems. I've been really lucky. Now that I know that I will be in the hospital for something so big and painful, it makes me really nervous. I don't know what to expect. I suppose that's better than knowing how bad it really is, if it is that bad.
I really just want to go back to sleep right now. The doctor is so far away. I have the car today though, which is great. I was able to get some of the stuff I need for the baby yesterday. I got him this cute rainforest vibrating chair and a changing pad. I also got this cool garbage that snaps closed so that the poopy diaper smell doesn't spread throughout our apartment. Now all I really need is a breast pump and some nursing bras. I'm thankful to have everything ready. I really need to pack the rest of my hospital bag, too. I've been really neglectful with that, but the truth is, I could go into labor at any time now. My mom packed one for me, which was really nice, but she packed all these really ruffly almost see-through nightgowns. I totally appreciate it, but I don't want to wear those around the hospital. They would make nursing impossible and if I have guests I don't want them seeing my underwear through my nightgown. I just want to pack sweats and blacks in case of extra bleeding.
Alright, I better get ready, because I'm being so lazy. I'll be back with updates from my appointment.
Posted on 2007.07.30 at 20:25
Current Mood: sleepy
i got back into town yesterday. i'm happy to say that my weekend was a blast... aside from a few minor setbacks. wesley's family is really cool for the most part. some are extremely judgemental to the point that they rant on about how we are naming our son after satan. yeah right! Azrael is an archangel from the HOLY bible. it means "messanger of God." it's so goofy that anyone would even waste their time talking about that. i guess it takes the focus off themselves. God forbid people find it lovely that two people who love each other created a child together, haha. Anyway, I managed to have the luck of ripping the ass of my pants open during the reunion party as well as getting pulled over by the cops with an overfilled car that night. everyone in the car was really thankful to me, however, because they were extremely wasted and i was the responsible pregnant one... well, of course i was. seriously, who drinks during pregnancy? i won't even take a sip of anything. i couldn't handle the idea of being at fault for anything that could possibly go wrong with my unborn son.
anyhow, i really liked wesley's uncle's new girlfriend. she was really friendly and down to earth. unfortunately she lives in green bay. i wish i could meet more people like her. i really like wesley's other uncle's girlfriend, heather, as well. a lot of times i feel really lonely, because i don't know people my age or have anyone to hang out with. i see that some of my greatest companions are family members and friends that are older than me. i need to embrace that rather than focus on my anger towards the people i know who are my age that suck.
when we came home i napped and then we went to kathy's for a barbecue. that was nice. it was mary and norma's birthday. today was my brother's 14th birthday and my parent's 31st anniversary. lots of occasions. i went to see the simpson's movie today with my family and then we went to eat at that's amore. it was pretty good. they have the best salad dressing i've ever had! i feel fortunate, because i was able to do so much this weekend and even today. i really appreciate getting out. plus, it seemed like my last little enjoyment without being a mom... not that being a mom will suck, but it felt like a little gift from God. tomorrow i am 35 weeks pregnant. azrael could pretty much come at any point now. it's both exciting and scary. i feel ready, however. i just have to play the waiting game at this point. i also have to play the resting game, because my body is crazy tired lately and crazy swallon. in fact, i don't even think i can type anymore... my fingers are so huge and filled with fluids it hurts!
Posted on 2007.07.27 at 11:19
Current Mood: excited
Well, I guess I didn't get much sleep last night... all that ranting and self-discovery put me to be at 5am. I've been up since 10 now. My husband and I are going up north for his family's reunion. I'm excited, because I haven't been on a trip for a year. It's nothing special, but it will be nice to get out of town for the weekend and stay at a hotel. Right now I just have to get everything packed and make some of my famous birthday cards for my mother-in-law and her mother, whose birthdays are on Sunday. I wish we had the money to get them gifts, but my cards will just have to do now. I'm surprised we're even going, because things are so tight. My husband is selling his guitar today, so we'll have some extra cash. I'm actually pretty sad about it. He sold his last one right before we got married. I was happy to see him have one back, and it was really nice. He said he really doesn't need it, but he does have a lot of talent. I guess this is just one of those moments where I have to sit back and let him make the decision. It is his guitar after all. I just hate that when you sell stuff like that you usually only get like half of what you paid... if even that. Oh well. I just pray that this weekend will be enjoyable and peaceful. I hope we have a nice ride up there... I think its like a 4-5 hour drive. I hope I can enjoy this, because it's my last trip before I become a mom.
Posted on 2007.07.27 at 03:37
Current Mood: 
indescribable
A sleepless night in my 34th week of pregnancy has brought me to LJ. It's 3:37am. I'm actually tired, but I feel this self-discovery mood wash over me, and I know it is time to write or at least vent. I have been feeling so unexplained... like I am not understanding things in my life. I feel like today it is all dawning on me... according to what my husband said to me. This is something I've realized before, but today it is really making more sense... I have a huge problem with self-doubt. In fact, I think of the worst-case situation and convince myself that this is what anything might be, because it couldn't be anymore easier than that. I've ruined a lot of beautiful moments in my life because of this. I put a lot of pressure on myself about what I should be feeling rather than what I really am. Actually, I'm very unnatural, and I'm sick of it. I've struggled with my relationship with God as a result. With God, you should have no reason to doubt anything, but I do. I don't doubt his existence, but I do doubt that he may want good things to happen to me. I especially doubt them if they're what I want. I have this idea that anything I want must not be what God wants, because it doesn't work that way. This is sometimes true, but not always. I never even get to the point in which I found out, because I already decide for myself. Thus, I feel like I'm depriving myself of all the wonderful things around me. I doubt my capabilities, my marriage, my pregnancy, my relationship... where does this stem from? How do I stop it? I know this is only fixable by God. I need him more than ever now.
I hate the whole "blame your parents" thing, because frankly, I've done enough of this in the past, but at some points in your life, you do realize you are certain ways as a result of your upbringing and even genetics. Then you have to take it into your own hands, which I must do now. I do, however see this... my parents have never been emotionally available to me. My mom is the queen of doubt, insecurity, and worries. My parents do now tell me they love me. They do not hug. We do not talk about feelings. I do know that they do love me now that I'm older and can see that they show it in different ways, but I was brought up this way. When I had a problem I couldn't really turn to them for emotional advice. My mom was more likely to think of the worst thing than the best when it came to me. If I had problems with a teacher, it was my fault. I must be doing something wrong. If my grades were really great I better now ruin them next report card. There was never any real praise or encouragement. I wasn't uplifted. Moreover, I was taught to doubt and fear. I didn't know how to get close to people. Than my husband came into my life. I could really talk to him. I was able to become close to him like I still to this day have no been able to with anyone in my life. The things was, he is very dominating in the relationship, which I've always like, being that I'm a rather traditional, almost biblical-like gal. (I mean that in the rules-sense, not in the "I'm godly-sense") Anyhow, I let him tell me that we were dating, that we were going to get married, and that we should have a baby. It's not that I didn't want these things myself, but because I've always doubted myself so intensely, it was so much easier for him to come along and make all my decisions. As a result, I feel disconnected from these decisions... like I wouldn't doubted them if I had the confidence to make them on my own. Now another thing about my upbringing is that my parents were very sheltering and controlling of my brother and I. We didn't get out much besides school. My mom talked to everyone for me... ordered my food for me, made my appointments, did EVERYTHING... I see myself as very socially screwed up, because of this. I was never independent. I never made my own decisions, let alone my own school lunches. I know my mom was just trying to lovingly help in her own way, but it really hindered me. I'm still nervous to call the doctor's office or initiate a friendship with someone. I just feel like it hindered me in the decision-making and confidence areas of my life. Then when my husband was in my life, he saw that I needed rescuing and came in as the hero. As noble and sweet as it was, I let him do too much, or so it seems. I mean he still could have done it all really, but I didn't do my part. I wanted to decide to get married, too. I wanted to feel secure about having a child at age 21. I think I can be and do all of these things, but I just don't know how. I don't know how to not second-guess. I don't know how to not doubt or question. It's really the most frustrating thing. It makes this air of doom seep into my life, and I hate it . It makes me feel like, because I doubted these things, they must not be what God wanted. I doubted them, not God. It makes me feel like because I am this way there's not turning back... I'm in too deep and I've already missed out so many beautiful moments by being this way.
Now what? I need God, that's what. I need to live in the now and start changing. I need to let the past be the past. I need to find confidence in God. I also need to find contentment. I need to let go and just live. Only God can provide me with the necessary tools to get to this point, and I need them so bad right now. I want to get myself in order. I have a son coming soon, and I want to be able to love him so well and enjoy my wonderful husband. I don't want to be inhibited. I don't want to have goofy ideas about how things are "supposed" to be. I want to be free. I also want to make sure than my son is raised in a way that will teach him to be independent and self-confident as well as confident in the Lord.
There is only so much you can do. You can see where something that is a pain in your life stems from. You can acknowledge that and then see it is now your problem. Then you have to hand it over to God, because in almost every case, it is no longer in your power. Sure, I can sit around all day and try to convince myself I'm fine and I'm going to be confident, but unless God is involved, I am fighting a losing battle. Only he can create the healing and recovery I need. Only he can bring the grace and the peace to my situation.
Now I just pray...
Lord,
I feel like today you've provided me with an open-eye to my issues. I see that I need you in all of this. I need you to heal me from the past and build me into a strong, trustworthy woman that follows you and finds my faith only in you. I want to make decisions for myself and stick with the ones I've made without overly analyzing them. I want to stop thinking that everything must be so horrible. I want to know that you want what's best for me. I want all the love I can grasp to give to the people around me. I don't want to question how well I'm doing at loving or taking care of the things I need to. I want to just be me and be free... living moment to moment with my eyes always on you. I want to be able to appreciate the wonderful blessings you've given me. I want to love and be free-spirited... I feel that I am that person, yet I've been buried underneath all this self-doubt, sin, and pain of the past. Help to me except everything and heal. Help me to find peace in my life... even if it's a bit dull at the moment for me. Help me to enjoy each day and use it to the fullest in the way you see fit. Help me to enjoy the trip this weekend, even if it does involve sitting at the bar. Help me to love the company, if anything, seeing that I spend a lot of time alone right now. I pray that I don't harbor such loneliness and emptiness, but rather fill my days up with time with you and joy in whatever way you can show me. Help Azrael to be healthy. I pray that whenever you choose for him to come that I am ready in every way. I pray that he is smart, peaceful, and happy. I pray that my labor will no be overbearing and that if it is really hard on me, that I will have you in every minute of it. Help me to be a good mother, and prepare me in the ways you know best. Bless Wesley, help him with his heavy work schedule. I pray that you help him to continue with his book. I just see it as something that is so wonderful that has come from you. I pray he has success in it, because no one deserves it more than him. He has sacrificed a lot, and he works really hard each day. I also hope that he could get that city job, so he could be around more once Azrael comes. Bless our families and friends... even if they are estranged or we are angry with them... maybe even really bitter. You know how I have felt. Maybe it's all for the best... because at this point, I don't know how to relate to others all that well. I just feel like not everything is making sense. Like I'm still confused about so much. Lord, keep my eyes open. Help me to understand what I need to and be content with what I do not know. Help me to be kind to everyone around me and seek you always, putting you first and understanding that I am never alone and I never am deprived of having someone to talk to when I have you, Lord. Thank you so much for this.
I pray this in Jesus' name.
Amen.
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