A Journey...

i'm inspired to write again. sometimes i feel like the feelings and words floating in my mind are too much and i can't comprise a simple journal entry. i don't even know what i last wrote... or even how to update. i'm too lazy to go back and read where i left off. motherhood has been a continual joy as well as a lot of work. azrael unfortunately has colic. he cries A LOT. don't get me wrong, i enjoy every minute with him. i think i'm actually handling it pretty well, but it is often hard. it's difficult to see your child struggle continually and there is nothing you can do about it. i wish i could could make him smile and make him happy, but its not that easy. he went to the doctor a week from today. he now weighs 12lbs 13 oz. he's a big boy for a 7 week old... gosh, i can't even believe he's that old already. being pregnant seems like a distant memory already, yet i felt as if i was pregnant forever. having a child is very fulfilling, but being a stay at home mom with a husband that works a lot is very lonely. i was watching that show "bringing home baby" the other day and this mother on there was describing how lonely it feels to be a mom... being the one who is up all hours of the night feeding the baby and doing it all on your own. yes, the husband helps, but its just different. i totally understood what she meant. in a way i feel like i've always been lonely... basically for as long as i can recall. i always felt like everyone else was out having fun with a group of friends and i was at home waiting to have my time. then i got pregnant and i couldn't really do anything. now i'm a mom, so its the same. its not really even that i'm dissatisfied with my life... its just weird. i should really use this to sharpen my relationship with God.

last week i finally talked wesley into letting me go out with catie and some of our other friends that i haven't really built solid relationships with. you wouldn't believe how thrilled i was. i got my hair done and put together a cute outfit. it was probably the first time in a long time that i actually felt good about myself since being pregnant. when i was pregnant i felt so fat and ugly. it was awful. i probably sound shallow, but i was thin my whole life and it was hard. when i started losing the baby weight wesley showed a lot more interest in me, so maybe it was sort of bad. he never said anything, but it seemed obvious that i was different when pregnant. anyhow, i went downtown and i was trying to have the best time possible. wesley and i have been having problems with his time around here... he was going out a lot and i felt drained. we fought all day before i went out, so i was trying to really enjoy my time. see wesley wanted to go out on this particular night, so just to go was like pulling teeth. at the beginning of the night i was excited. everyone loved my hair, which wesley didn't like. i got to meet up with maggie, who i missed so much. i did, however, drink way too much way too fast. i got pretty wasted within only a few hours and felt really sad about things with wesley. i felt like our marriage was failing. i called him and he hung up on me because the baby was crying and crying and giving him a hard time. i felt really bad about this, but in way he was dealing with what i go through on a regular basis. all i wanted was one night of freedom... a break, but my guilt and my feelings wouldn't let me do so. i don't even know why i felt bad! i deserved a night out! he goes out sometimes 3 nights a week and i couldn't get just one night!!! maggie had to drive me home, because my car was all the way up at catie's house and there was no way in hell i could drive it all the way home. thankfully, i got home safe. i went straight to bed, trying not to be sick. soon enough the baby was up crying to be fed. wesley didn't move an inch... we had made a deal that he would take care of him all through the night. i knew he thought that because what he went through a few hours earlier, he thought that was enough. i then took care of the baby all night long. i was still tipsy all the way through it... i really can't even believe i did it, because i had 3 beers, a shot of jager, a shot of rumplemann's (which put me over the top), a cherry bomb, a long island iced tea, a 44 north cranberry, and, yeah, i think that's it. well, i was mad, but someone needed to take care of my boy. at eight in the morning i told wesley i needed him to take over, because i needed sleep. he said it was time to go to church! i was still drunk for God's sake... no pun intended. i couldn't miss azrael's first time at church, so i went.

so yeah, that was that. i guess i'm still mad. i told wesley that it was pretty fucked up, and he apologized. he said i can go out next weekend and he'll take the baby all night. we'll see if that happens. i often feel like he can do whatever he wants with no consequences and i, on the other hand, have to have permission and go through hell just to get a bit of freedom that i can't even enjoy. i'd have to say its half my fault though, because i care too much. wesley knows how to make me feel bad so that i cave, i know that. did i mention that he was mad at me for leaving the car at catie's because it was inconvient? pfft. i'd rather have to get a ride to my car than get a dui! crazy. i think i need to make a change. wesley knows how i feel. i need to start being more of my own person without being an annoying dominating wife. i need to take opportunities that are enjoyable and enjoy them regardless of the crap in my life. i know wesley needs a break sometimes, but hell, my job runs around and around  the clock.

and here i am, alone tonight. wesley tried to get someone to watch the baby so i could go out with him, but he couldn't. his mom is sick. his grandma is probably wasted, and my mom is in bed. we don't have a lot of trustworthy outside help. on a nice note, i get to go out tomorrow. my mom is going to watch azrael so wesley and i can go to the bucks scrimmage and his friend's wedding.